Missing pieces

In every group of children, there is a weird kid always, the one who had weird choices, whose jokes nobody got, who didn't like the same toys. I was that kid, I found the whole 'ghar-ghar' 'chor police' and the likes really pointless. I never understood why I should listen to Simon's weird third person commands... and hence I was the 'weird kid'.

I always found immense intrigue and poetry in jigsaws, the bigger the better. I simply loved the whole journey. When you start, its always a tossed case, because its such a long long way to the finish that you can't allow yourself to believe you'll be able to finish it at all. Then you start nevertheless, from a corner piece mostly. My first aim used to be to find the four corners always, you know, so you have a frame, then start by finishing the lines between each corner and finally filling the gaps in between.

Jigsaws, they used to be 'my thing' not barbies or doll houses... jigsaws, the one thing I'd rush to right after school, still in my uniform, trying to finish as many pieces as possible before my brother came home with his monster of an appetite.

And Sundays, my whole week used to be filled with daydreams of the beautiful Sunday morning, when Mommy would be home so I'll have all day to myself. I can't even count how many Sundays and how many puzzles I've solved as a child. When eventually, it became boring because I got the hang of it, I could sift the right pieces out with one swooshing glance at the bundle and solve the whole thing in no time at all. I remember the childish irritation then. As if the game had to be blamed for the tricks my mind had learnt with practice. And so I stopped playing it, I 'outgrew' it.

Now life feels like one long jigsaw Sunday. Though there is no picture on a cardboard to refer, there are no visible corner pieces, this is one shapeless jigsaw and all my tricks are either forgotten or failing. Though I've made a few lucky guesses. I don't even know how many pieces I have to find and where to put them when I do. But there is one thing that might help...

You know why they gave you jigsaw puzzles as a kid? so that when you grow up and you can't see the bigger picture taking shape,you'd remember the feeling of finding a missing piece, so that when you have to go by instinct, you'll know... you just...know.

Just like I know... now. :)

Hunger

Run,

Hide,

Show yourself, no not your true self... not here at least.
Look into the mirror, lie, yes, to yourself

Don't believe...
Don't you dare believe

they say, when you're born to do something, nothing stops you. What do you do when you don't know what you're born to do?
when you're bursting with hunger, but don't know what in the world to eat!

I love those awesome people out there, clicking, dancing, writing, filming, cooking fucking cutting hair, even making socks, they make me smile! they make my heart ache and cry out loud. coz' they know what they want to do and I don't!

There has to be something ONE THING that I'm so good at that I kick ass you know?
My biggest fear is to die without finding it out.


And I think I'll die hungry, eating everything I can lay my hands on... belching it out and still... hungry.

Slogging (sleep + blogging)

A lazy morning this, and though it is 5 in the proverbial evening, I call it morning because I just woke up like two hours ago. Thanks to the friend who always remembers I have an exam tomorrow and knows me enough to predict that unless he doesn't call me a few dozen of times before calling my flat mate who would eventually wake me up, this lazy body of mine will continue
claiming its beauty sleep.
Now I just wonder where this lack of motivation comes from, because I am not the cliched 'living-in-my-boxers-body-odor-loving' super woman of the 21st century who can be as un-shaved and couch glued as most of the men out there. No sir, I am or rather used to be the one who'd get up, shower, workout, shower, have breakfast...basically the girl who is so clean and organized it stinks.
But now as I finally look into the mirror I was earlier staring at, I see messy hair, kohl-less bland eyes, eyebrows that need serious threading (lets not talk about the upper lips and stuff like that), feet that would make a cave man's look pedicured, legs clad in the same blue super man boxers since the stone age I think, A body that's shaped like Amoeba under the garfield and odie vest.
And so I know that exams have arrived, which means, less soap, more deodorant. Less milk,more cola. Less sprouts and cereal, more potato chips and cigarettes. Less sleep, more gossip. And of course, less books and more blogging.


Wish me Luck! :)
maybe that woks

Nevermind

DATE: Twentieth May 2011
DAY: Friday

Listen, Where are you? are you there? do you even care? are you alone like I am?
or do you have some one you think you love? don't hold on to her too long
because I'm the one for you,its hard to be strong,but I've no other option but to wait for you right?
It's tough though you should know that, I'm almost twenty,and I spent my 19th valentines alone
were you alone too?
how old are you?
where were you born?
what school did you go to?
are you a university graduate from Delhi?
you are the missing piece of my puzzle, god knows when will I ever find you
how many guys will i have to date before we finally meet?
I'm actually trouble shooting can you believe that?
will you love me just the way I am?
Because I will...will you come see my dance rehearsal? I hope you like to dance...that will be so nice.
will you let me make maggie for dinner when I'm tired? I promise I will make up for it the next day with a super awesome dinner. I wonder what you're doing this time, are you sleeping? are you facebooking? do you have exams too? will you make fun of me when you read this after many years? Do I ask too many questions? Will you buy me flowers? and take me to Italy when we afford it? and The Bahamas and Egypt too? you don't have to though I'm just telling you as much as I know about myself. I can be really stupid sometimes, will you forgive me for that?
and oh when I say m really sorry and try to hold your hand when we fight, don't shirk me off please, because when I do that it means I've thought of not doing it a ten thousand times, and if you shirk me off once, I might never do it again for the fear of you shirking me again and then we'll keep fighting for ever. Do I even make sense?
I might meet you any day right? Mom thinks she is going to find you out for me... I don't know if that's true I don't want it to be...she will win then, and that will make me feel that you would not have fallen in love with me had it not been for mom to find you out, as in on my own I could not have made you fall in love with me. Will you love me? or will it be like a formal arranged thing? I don't like how that sounds.
Never mind, I'm going to sleep I have my popular fiction exam tomorrow. bye