Wednesday, November 14, 2012

How it Ends

The hot alcohol seared her throat, her head was spinning her hair were drenched in perspiration. She drained the bottle empty, threw it out of the window and accelerated. Through her whiskey and tear blurred vision she searched for the edge of the cliff.

‘It’s all going to end soon’ she thought, ‘I'm going to end it.’

Everyone said college is going to be one of the best phases of her life. She always had her doubts, when has anything been even remotely good for her? She was always invisible in school, her grades were impeccable, but that doesn't make you popular in school. She wasn't pretty, neither was she 'hot', she never understood what was 'in' or what was 'dope' also when was it that a guy became your boyfriend. She was always the one hidden behind a novel, nobody loved her but nobody hated her either, and that's how she had spent her childhood - 'invisible'.

Then came college, she promised herself she would get noticed, make friends go out and who knows maybe even make out with a few guys. She consulted fashion blogs and magazines. She shopped for clothes and lip gloss. She'd never forget her first day of college, she dressed up not too 'over the top' as warned by the blogs, she chose a shirt that would match her complexion and jeans that should've made her legs look and butt look hot. She carefully brushed her hair and put on the berry gloss. She reached college but it was empty she realized she was early, so she sat in the canteen and took out a book to read. After sometime she looked up to find the canteen filled with students, some very pretty girls in dance pants passed her sipping from their sports bottles, there were groups of all sorts of people chatting, studying, eating. She saw a bunch of seniors making freshers dance on the bench and do other weird dares, she got up and walked to the edge of the fresher group. A small voice in her mind said “pick me”. She would do any of those weird antics they were making the first years do, just so long as that gets her noticed.

She waited and waited but there she was, back to square one, unnoticed and alone.
She could see the edge of the cliff now, it seemed pretty close.

‘There, now that’s how it ends.’ she thought. She pushed the gear and accelerated harder, she knew suicide was a sin but she was pretty sure even god won’t notice. Nobody is going to miss her. Nobody would notice that her desk is empty. The guy won’t notice that nobody is watching him at drama practice. Nobody would wonder why she doesn’t come to the library any more. Her co-passengers in the bus would be happy for the extra empty seat. Nobody noticed when she sneaked out the vodka bottles from the party. Even her mother didn’t notice when she snuck out in the car.

“Ma” she whispered, her mother’s face flashed in front of her eyes. Her mother always knew the right things to say, she would keep feeding her food when she studied for her exams. And all those times she pretended to be asleep and her mother kissed her on the forehead. She realized she would never be able to hug her mother again, her mother would never know why she lost her daughter, and she hadn’t even left a note. And her father, her ‘daddude’ who always had time for her no matter how much work he had. He would call her ‘princess’ and would never leave the house before seeing her face. Tomorrow for the first time in twenty years, he won’t be able to see her face in the morning.

“NOOOOO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!” she screamed pressing the break frantically.
The car jumped off the cliff struck on a huge rock and burst into flames.

Thursday, July 5, 2012




Show yourself, no not your true self... not here at least.
Look into the mirror, lie, yes, to yourself

Don't believe...
Don't you dare believe

they say, when you're born to do something, nothing stops you. What do you do when you don't know what you're born to do?
when you're bursting with hunger, but don't know what in the world to eat!

I love those awesome people out there, clicking, dancing, writing, filming, cooking fucking cutting hair, even making socks, they make me smile! they make my heart ache and cry out loud. coz' they know what they want to do and I don't!

There has to be something ONE THING that I'm so good at that I kick ass you know?
My biggest fear is to die without finding it out.

And I think I'll die hungry, eating everything I can lay my hands on... belching it out and still... hungry.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Ever wondered how a tissue paper feels?
Crushed in your hands and squished at your heels
Does it ever sit in the bin looking at the sun?
Taking a smoke thinking “what have I done?”
And the very rain it wipes would soon enough
Through it's feathery self seep is that a bluff?
it will end as pulp after cleaning the mess and stuff
Does it look at its crippled edges and sigh
To the memory of its crisp days gone by?
Really, did it think it was made to be
The ladies pocket companion, sitting pretty
In a corner of, a buckled leather handbag?
To accompany lipstick while she took a drag?
Or in the conditioned air of a shiny car?
Parked besides the beach, doors ajar
Foolish tissue, didn't it know?
It is meant for use and throw?
To soak in tears and extra make up
And dust around her favorite coffee cup
So she is wiped clean by dear tissue thin
And is crushed in a ball and tossed in the bin
Now dear dear tissue don’t you cry
For you got nothing to wipe yourself dry

Monday, May 14, 2012

Slogging (sleep + blogging)

A lazy morning this, and though it is 5 in the proverbial evening, I call it morning because I just woke up like two hours ago. Thanks to the friend who always remembers I have an exam tomorrow and knows me enough to predict that unless he doesn't call me a few dozen of times before calling my flat mate who would eventually wake me up, this lazy body of mine will continue
claiming its beauty sleep.
Now I just wonder where this lack of motivation comes from, because I am not the cliched 'living-in-my-boxers-body-odor-loving' super woman of the 21st century who can be as un-shaved and couch glued as most of the men out there. No sir, I am or rather used to be the one who'd get up, shower, workout, shower, have breakfast...basically the girl who is so clean and organized it stinks.
But now as I finally look into the mirror I was earlier staring at, I see messy hair, kohl-less bland eyes, eyebrows that need serious threading (lets not talk about the upper lips and stuff like that), feet that would make a cave man's look pedicured, legs clad in the same blue super man boxers since the stone age I think, A body that's shaped like Amoeba under the garfield and odie vest.
And so I know that exams have arrived, which means, less soap, more deodorant. Less milk,more cola. Less sprouts and cereal, more potato chips and cigarettes. Less sleep, more gossip. And of course, less books and more blogging.

Wish me Luck! :)
maybe that woks

Monday, January 23, 2012

I sin I pray

i touch one I'm not betrothed to
i savor the unrightful kisses
i melt in the touch of wrong
i taste the liquor of betrayal
i let roving hands scratch it
i let hungry eyes wander on
this body of mine so called divine
i let it be smeared with white unpure
i howl and taste them bitter sweet
i feast on banned desires too
i wait for dark to open its eyes
i search for gullies mercifully hidden
i gulp the scents of flesh to flesh
i breathe unholy chants to ears
and then..
i sin i pray
i sin i pray
i sin...i prey