Husband

Husband,

Hi there…

Sorry I addressed you as that, but it’s all right isn’t it? In the sense that time will be still somewhere when I think of you, and in that moment you will always be him… Husband, it is only when time will realize that the moment I breathe in now is different from where it is standing still that it will know that you’re now what people call memory.

But that’s okay too isn’t it?

When I fell in love with you all I wanted was for you to be happy, when you fell out of love with me all I wanted was you to be happy. So I got up, wrapped my leftover-ocean of love for you and puddle of self-respect in the shawl around me and left as fast as my feet would allow me too.

You know how I am, how I attach life to inanimate things, how the shirt I stole from you was the one I’d wear when I needed strength and how all it does now is weaken me further. I bought a bottle of your perfume the other day, yes the same one that I bought for you and you started getting “all that attention” in office because suddenly you were “smelling good”.  You still do, in my head, but I hate it when the smell on your shirt was fading away even as I held it (TFIOS much? Yeah yeah) so it still gets its daily dose of AXE. And I still make Khichdi when I miss you.

Don’t expect me to ever heal from you, which might never happen. But don’t expect me to pine for you either.

I have a human heart that can sometimes be broken in so many million pieces that it hurts like a glass shard piercing you eye every time you breathe. But I have super human will, I will never ever want you back, even if you want to come back someday. Because what we had is now gone, it was perfect even with your sloppy sense of humor and my begrudging romance it was perfect. And now it’s just that… “was”

Just give me this… stay happy.

I’ll find my happiness don’t worry, I always do.

Love,

X